#IUKWIM

7 TYPES OF SINGLES IN VSSUT THIS VALENTINE’S WEEK

-BY SHRAVANI DASH & AASTHA AGRAWAL

The roads of Burla have lost hopes. Roses have stopped blooming and Teddy Bears have gone on a strike. They now want their own versions of the ‘Anabelle’ movie. Chocolates now taste bitter and the sound of those three terrifying words is echoing in each ear. It’s that time of the year, again. The annual PDA week has started. While the dark clouds of romance surround the VSSUT sky and love has begun to fall as raindrops, some VSSUTians are in dire need of ‘Umbrellas’. Life of a single person in VSSUT, Burla is a constant battle and we loose a lot of our single soldiers to this horrific ritual, every year. This is a tribute to all those brave hearts who fought against the tyranny of couples with exemplary valour and lost their precious single hood in the process. Here’s naming them all:

 

  • The Lone Ranger: Our whole universe was in a hot dense state, then, nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started. This person has been single since then! And will remain so, until VSSUT becomes IIEST or till the Doomsday, whichever happens first. These people go to group picnics alone and have never seen a double blue tick in their entire life. Even the auto rickshaw drivers in VSSUT have rejected them. They are the asymptotes in a relationship curve. These selfless soldiers are only committed to their cause and to nothing and no one else.
  • It’s Complicated: This is a species of single homo-sapiens endemic to the jungles of VSSUT. They always travel in pairs, hunt and eat in pairs and even communicate with other organisms in pairs, but are not actual pairs. They can often be spotted holding hands and sharing meals, but apparently they haven’t shared social media passwords yet. Their non-existent relationship has more buzz around than the real break ups of other couples. These people are a major threat to the noble cause of single hood in VSSUT and are the most vulnerable during this week of terror. By the way, VSSUT wants to know, are they dating or not?  
  • The Bajrang Dal: This is a special force of highly trained soldiers who strictly follow the principles of ‘Sanskaar’ and ‘Ahimsa’. They recite the ‘Hanuman Chalisa’ thrice daily and believe ‘Gaumata’s love’ is the only true love in the universe. They highly condemn ‘Tinder Matches’ and provide free ‘Kundali Matching Services’ to all the couples during this week. They also perform the noble deed of getting people married without any dowry,  by politely convincing couples for marriage by beating them up or  sometimes even at gunpoint, if need be. Apart from this, they also engage in  the preservation of the UCE culture through various activities such as moral policing of girls and ‘healthy interaction’ with juniors, throughout the year. These are the true heroes who should be celebrated. You can join the Bajrang Dal March on 14 February to extend your support to these great men.
  • Books Are Baes: This is an army of students usually found in the ‘first benches of every classroom’. They can easily be identified by the characteristic ‘geek glasses’, perfectly combed and oiled hair, special ‘pen marks’ on their hands, sometimes, face and the right hand usually placed at the perfect angle to be raised instantly. They are frequently spotted in the library, outside professors’ chambers, and in the corridors, chasing professors. All they have ever shared with a person of the opposite gender are class notes and pens. The only couple they’re aware about is a ‘force couple’. While we draw hearts and miss our exes, they draw Mohr’s Circles and find x. May Sir Erwin Kreyszig and Sir S. Chand help them find the right coordinates and save them from the wrath of love.
  • Too Cool To Be Committed: Like the gorgeous butterflies in a garden full of gnomes, these people are just too perfect. With grade sheets studded with Es and Os and faces decorated with dimpled chins, mesmerising eyes and dorky grins, these people are the ‘VSSUT Crush’ of everyone. They are a part of every club in VSSUT and the teachers still love them. They can sing, dance, code, give speeches, make drawing sheets, cure cancer, get bonafide certificates in a day, operate the CRO and still have 75% attendance. They passed both Maths-III and Engineering Mechanics in the first attempt. They found a way to have fun in SAMAVESH. But, they are still single. They are the true Messiah’s of singledom, the knights in shining armour protecting not the damsel in distress but the honour of their single friends. Maybe, even Cupid doesn’t want to harm their perfect skin, by hitting them with his imperfect arrows.
  • Love Is Just A Chemical Reaction: These are the true pioneers of Science in this technological University. After thorough research on Facebook and Instagram and a series of experiments conducted on students from various branches, they have written a detailed paper on how love is just a chemical reaction, called ‘Grapes Are Sour!’ Various seminars and workshops related to the papers  conducted by them in the hostel rooms have received stellar audience responses. These intellectual people never shy away from the propagation of wisdom and share their scientific ideas with every couple in the vicinity at every opportunity they get. Their research is an immense source of knowledge for generations of VSSUTians to come.
  • The Mechanical and Civil Engineers: The ‘Sakht Launda’ regiment comprises of commandos from the Mechanical Engineering and Civil Engineering departments. Their experience in the field of single hood and distaste and hatred for all the couples in the world is unmatched and incredible. They can throw stones at couples from even a distance of 400 m and can also graph the trajectory of the stone’s motion. They design and develop special tools to be used as weapons and have also designed single-seater cars as a sly plot to separate couples. Couples are advised to maintain a safe distance of at least 50 m from Mechanical or Civil engineers and singles are advised to maintain a distance of at least 50 light years. While they  are our mightiest warriors, this week is a difficult time for them and they tend to melt easily around this time.

 

So which category do you believe to fall into? Do comment your funny views and let others know the havoc you’re going through, this week. And for others, team ViSSion wishes you all a leviathan and behemoth of felicitations for new commitments or old relationships!!!

About the author

Juned Akhter

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